


the ghost of you.

by brokenheartsclub



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Eddie writes letters for Bill and Bill reads them all one night., It's purposely written vaguely so your mind can slot in things!, M/M, Military!au, Parent!AU, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 11:27:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15885108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenheartsclub/pseuds/brokenheartsclub
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak found that the perfect way to cope with his feelings for Bill Denbrough was to write him letters. And, when he's finally brave enough, he gives Bill the letters. Reading over the letters once again, Bill can't help but to wish that things were different. Because if they were different, they wouldn't be in the state they were in now.-inspired by: to all the boys i've loved before &. ghost of you - 5 seconds of summer.





	the ghost of you.

**Author's Note:**

> this is unbeta'd, my apologies! the ending is a bit rushed and i'm not too happy with it but otherwise, enjoy!

_"Dear William Denbrough,_

_This letter is for you. You may not know the purpose, or the need, for me to write you letters but it's a little thing that I thought I could start doing. I don't know if you know this but you're my favourite, Bill Denbrough. You always have been. You're always someone who can bring light into everyone else's world, even when there is no light to be brought into the world. You make everyone so happy. Especially me._

_Did you hear about Richie's little stunt in English class today? He kept throwing cheerios at the teacher's head and he got up to twenty-seven before he finally got kicked out of the class. Did you hear that Stan accidentally punched himself in the face trying to steal his book back from Richie? Did you-_

_I know you have. Because you know everything. You even know about my father and you're the only person besides Ma who knows what truly happened to him. I know that the others want to know, but I can't tell them. I can't. My father and my memories of him are the only thing in my life that is just for me. Not even my mother can take them from me. And you're the only person that I could even remotely think of sharing that with._

_You're a great friend, William Denbrough. I hope you know that._

_Love, Eddie Kaspbrak."_

 

Bill sniffled as he read over the first letter he ever received from Eddie, a shy few days from his seventeenth birthday. He received them in a bundle, tied together with a thin rope, handed over by a blushing Eddie. He didn't know what happened that night, and still doesn't to this day, but Eddie stared at him with teary eyes and said, "These are for you." The first letter was dated back to eighth grade, a day after Beverly and Bill broke up.

He wiped away a stray tear from his cheek and dropped it back down onto the hardwood floor below him. He leaned his back against his bed, closing his eyes as he took in a deep breath. Reading the letters awoken a sense of aching in his chest that he wasn't sure if he really wanted to experience anymore. He opened the second envelope, dated to a few months after the first one.

 

_"Dear William Denbrough,_

_It's been awhile since I wrote the first letter. I lived in fear that you would find it and I almost threw it out. But I didn't, simply because it was refreshing. Even though I know you'll never read these. I've never been good at my words. Not when it comes to talking to you. Or about you, really. There are so many things that I think Big Bill would like to know but I can never work up the courage to tell you. Funny, considering I'm considered the aggressively forward and blunt out of all of us. But, jeez, Bill. Why can't you be easy to talk to?_

_I watched you and Georgie play together when I was at your house with homework. It made me smile. I wish I had a little brother like Georgie, or a big brother like you. You guys get along so well and it must be so nice to have company beyond the Losers Club. I don't have that. And it's only really settling in tonight. I know that Richie and Beverly are sneaking out of the house to play some dumb games probably with their cigarettes and get within two inches of Death. I know that Mike and Stan were working on something together, and you and Ben are out doing something. There's always the odd man out; am I that one?_

_I don't want to be. I don't want my mother to be my only friend. I'm scared, Bill. I don't know what I'm scared of, but I'm scared. Something's wrong with me and I don't know what._

_Eddie."_

 

Bill's breath shuddered, just thinking about Eddie feeling alone in the world. He could picture the scene perfectly. A chair propped up against Eddie's bedroom door with Eddie on his bed, tears streaming down his cheeks as he frantically wrote the letter. A photo of his father was sure to be off to the side; it was something that always comforted Eddie ever since he was a young child. The cursive writing was far more slanted than usual, smudged by multiple dry tear stains. Bill had shown up at his back door the night after, wondering why Eddie wasn't around. He didn't show up the day after to the Quarry, ghosting everyone without a single phone call. Bill had worried but once he saw the teary-eyed boy, he knew that something was wrong.

They had a spontaneous sleepover, Bill lying to his parents and saying he was sleeping over at Richie's house and Eddie not even bothering to tell his mother. Bill chuckled lightly at the memory of hiding in Eddie's closet every time his mother walked in, an ironic moment that would later become one of the pair's favourite jokes. He set down the letter next to the other, reaching over to take a sip out of a half-empty bottle of  _Aboslut Vodka,_ the burn barely bothering him anymore. He sighed and picked up another letter, hands beginning to tremble as they clenched the sides of another letter. This one, with an envelope, ripped from Eddie before.

 

" _Dear William Denbrough,_

_I love you._

_Eddie Kaspbrak."_

 

Bill choked around the three words, hearing them in Eddie's voice. He had heard the simple three words out of Eddie's voice five times, four with a gleam of happiness and an chaotic energy of needing to live life, and one, with the most seriously cold voice that Bill had ever heard. It was as if he had no life to live. He remembered the first, pressed against his lips with Eddie's hands clutching onto his face like it was the first and last time they would ever kiss. It was beneath a set of bleachers, both boys returning after Eddie had won Silver in the State-wide Track and Field competition in twelfth grade. Eddie's lips felt soft against Bill's, hands trembling against his cheeks, and Bill knew he was in love with Eddie at that moment.

Seeing the younger boy with flushed cheeks, sweat-dampened hair and his jersey. Bill remembered laughing against Eddie's lips, pulling away just to draw in the sight of the surroundings.

"Is this real?" He had asked, moving his hands from Eddie's waist up to Eddie's arms, finger digging into his arms a little too harshly. Eddie had a goofily happy smile on his face, rolling his eyes at Bill's blatant ignorance.

"Why don't you find out?" Bill made an inhumane noise before smiling, bringing the boy back close to him. "I love you, too, Eddie."

Bill smiled at the memory, Eddie's bluntness always making it easier for them to exist. He stared back down at the three-word letter and wished that Eddie was here to say them to him once more. If only they weren't in this boat, they'd be okay. Eddie would be okay.

_"Dear William Denbrough,_

_I first realized I love you when you and Beverly got together. It was dumb, I know, to be jealous of her. She's one of my best friends as well and I couldn't ever imagine the Loser's Club without her. I didn't want to see you two together. I remember tearing apart my room at the feeling. It just ached and I couldn't explain why I wanted you to be gone. I felt like my heart had just shattered just seeing the way you looked at her. Mike was the one who came to me that night. He said he knew and that he was sorry. I broke down._

_I didn't don't want to be gay. Can you imagine the grief I'd get from my mother? I'm scared just thinking about it. My father wouldn't mind, though. I like to imagine he'd be the annoying father who would ask to meet my partner over dinner. That father you see in every teen movie. He would really like you, Bill._

_I'm getting better at it. Ever since you came out to us, it feels a bit easier. Like, I'm not alone. You're not either._

_I wish I could tell you that._

_Love, Eddie Kaspbrak."_

 

Coming out to the Loser's Club was simultaneously the easiest and hardest thing Bill had ever done. He was scared of losing them all even though he knew that they'd never judge him for it. The worst thing that could possibly happen was Richie's explicit jokes would focus more on Bill than anything. They were all crowded in the Denbrough basement, a late night hang-out that the Denbrough parents didn't know about. Bill had blurted it out when Mike nudged him gently, his train of thoughts becoming his train of words. He had blushed but the responses were all positive but he didn't get one from Eddie. Rather, he got a bewildered look that changed into a wide grin when Richie pointed it out.

Bill took another swig of his drink, dropping the letter back into the box. He felt an urge to put away the letters and hide the box in a place where no one, including him, would ever find it again. His heart ached and he just wanted to rip it out of his chest to never deal with it again. Bill didn't know how to deal with this feeling; this feeling of wanting to run away and never be found again. Every time he stepped foot into this room, the urge to run always intensified. That's why he spent most of his time sleeping on the floor of the second bedroom.

 _Oh_ , he thought sadly.  _She'd know._

Quickly brushing away the thought, Bill stared down at the box. It was a small jewellery box that had a picture of Bill and Eddie tapped over the top of it. It had a keyed latch that Bill had the keys for on his keychain but rarely used. It was a gift from Beverly on their first-year anniversary, with her saying " _Maybe you can finally put your sentimental stuff in one place_."

Bill picked up the next letter, one in which had dry tear stains littering the envelope. When he opened the letter, he found it was more than one page, unlike the other. The writing was far hastier than the others -  as if it was Eddie pouring his heart out before someone could find him in such a vulnerable state. Bill almost wanted to skip it but the urge of knowing compelled him to read it.

 

_"Dear William Denbrough,_

_We met through Richie when he invited me to meet his favourite next-door neighbour in the fourth grade. We got ourselves covered in mud and I remember seeing you smile widely, your red cheeks and mud were adorable. You had some teeth missing, too. Mud caked your red hair to your scalp but you were so happy. You were so, so happy, and honestly, that was the first time I smiled since my father died. I know your father knew him - I remember seeing your face at the funeral. But, I couldn't explain my feelings for you. You were like the boy next door of every teen movie. Messy hair, freckled cheeks, and the sweet boy that everyone seemed to know, yet never really talked to._

_I didn't know I loved you then. I just knew that you put the stars in the skies for everyone you were friends with, so I thought it was just you. And perhaps it was better off that way._

_As you know, Mike was the first one who knew I liked you. Well, liked you more than I should have. I remember that night very clearly. I was pacing around my bedroom, thinking about all the things I could say or do to will away the feelings that I had for you. Mike had snuck around the back, snuck past my mother and came into my bedroom. He stood in the doorway and the only thing he was was "I'm sorry." I broke._

_See, the act of loving you is not what I'm ashamed of. Anyone would be lucky to love you. But it was the fact it was me. You were always someone with somewhere to go, someone to see whereas I was just here. And nobody really wants me here anyway._

_You came out to the Losers' Club as pansexual on the last day of summer, a little too much liquor in you. Mike nudged you and you blurted it out, eyes wide and ears pink. Everyone congratulated you and moved on. I remember Mike looking at me with this knowing smile and I can't help but to laugh remembering it._

_We kissed for the first time after a night out at the local diner. It was all seven of us, Bev visiting for the first time in months. I remember you stealing my milkshake and sticking your tongue out at me and I wish I could have taken a picture in that moment. Your hair was extremely frizzy, the red curls all over the place along with your freckles. You stole my vanilla milkshake and had a milkshake mustache and it was just a perfect moment._

_You drove me home that night but we stopped at the Quarry. You said that you wanted to stop off somewhere and just be Bill and Eddie for a few moments.  I didn't know what ot expect, so I just went along with it. It was nice and easy to. I could follow you into the dark any day._

_You kissed me. It was rushed and sloppy and like two teenagers in love but I think that's what it is. And ever since, my life has changed. Maybe not a whole lot, but I'm living in a different light today. And I have only you to thank for that, Bill. You've changed my life for the better and I can only hope I can feel this way forever._

_Love,_

_Eddie Kaspbrak."_

 

Reading that letter made Bill's heart ache with a sense of uncertainty, almost as if he was just wishing they could turn back to those moments. The moments before they became adults where life was just chasing after one another like they were secrets that no one else could know about. Because they were just that - neither of the boys' parents knew they were together and the rest of the Club, aside from Mike, thought that they were still just obliviously pining together. Bill chuckled coldly, wiping the tear from his face as he remembered getting caught by the other Losers. He could still hear Eddie's voice exclaim dramatically to get out of his bedroom as if it was some scandalous thing when in reality, all they were doing was cuddling while Bill was telling Eddie about his newest story idea. 

He looked at the pages of the letter side by side, Eddie's voice in his mind reading them to him. He put them back together and placed them back into their envelope. This was the hardest part, Bill noted to himself. The letters were getting far more emotional because he knew the content of the others - something he wished he didn't know. 

 

_"Dear William Denbrough-Kaspbrak,_

_It's the night after our wedding. It's been only a few months since I last wrote you the letter. My mother isn't happy that I got married at you at nineteen but it's single-handedly the best decision I've made in my life. I'm sorry that we're getting married under the circumstances that we are, though. I made a promise to myself that I would join the military as soon as I could and you know I can't break promises._

_Every moment I spend with you, I keep falling more and more in love with you. You have given me a life that I never knew I wanted. I never thought I would look over and see the love of my life sleeping beside me, with chip crumbs all over his face and still be in love. I know we've talked about adopting a kid and I want to do it with you, but is that the smartest idea? With me leaving for so long at a time. But, I don't want to say anything bad because I know how excited you are. We're so young-"_

 

Bill licked his lips and stared up at the ceiling, ignoring the rest of the letter momentarily. He knew they applied for the process of adoption far too early much to the dismay of everyone else around them. They even got married too young, receiving loud and harsh rebuttals from their parents and even their best friends. However, none of them knew the reasoning behind it all. Eddie tried to say no, claiming that it wasn't smart but all Bill had to do was just profess his love and his boyfriend became his fiance. Looking down at the ring on his right finger, Bill knew he didn't doubt a minute of that decision. In fact, his life had been a lot better after them getting married. Even if it was a short marriage in front of Eddie's childhood minister with only their friends as witnesses, Bill wouldn't have wished for anything more. He sighed quietly before looking back down at the letter, continuing to read it. 

_"_

_\- but I have total faith in us if we decide to make this decision. I can't believe you can talk me into the stupidest yet most thrilling things ever. It's like you have this charm that you can put over me and I will go to the ends of the Earth just to get you a gift. I don't mind, though._

_I can look over and see you sleeping right now. You're curled up with only boxers on, blanket curled around your waist. Your parents are out of town right now, so that's why I'm still here. They told me just shortly after you fell asleep to make sure you don't do anything stupid again. If only they knew that I'm always your accomplice._

_You look so peaceful and here I am, realizing how lucky I am. Now, I'm going to go sleep with my husband and enjoy it. I love you, you absolute idiot._

_Love,_

_Eddie Kaspbrak-Denbrough."_

 

Bill smiled at the letter, shaking his head fondly. He knew that Eddie had doubted the marriage immediately after, panicking about the decision being permanent and  _whatifyoudontreallylovemebillwhatif-_ but, Bill made sure to reassure him every time he got a little too stressed out. He licked his lips and dropped the letter into the pile with the others after slipping it back into its envelope. He stared into the bin, only a few letters left. However, these ones were not done in the same style as the other ones. The other ones had been silver envelopes with just " _William Denbrough_ " done on the front with cursive. These ones were plain white with Bill's address and a stamp that was unhelpful on knowing Eddie's location. These were the ones from after he left for the military, a year and a half after their wedding date. Bill opened the first of the three left, biting down on his lip hard enough to draw blood. 

 

 _"William Kaspbrak_ - _Denbrough,_  

_I enjoyed our phone call last night. Hearing Rosemary giggle was so refreshing. I haven't written many letters because it's hard to find a time to. And when I do have time, I just want to spend it hearing your voice or Rose's. But, I couldn't sleep tonight. I keep thinking of being back in our bed, cuddling you and just hearing Rose giggle as she comes running down the hall. I don't regret being here but I do regret leaving you. You're the light of my life and not being able to talk to you as often as I would like to, has been absolutely soul-crushing. I would never leave your side if we were together once again._

_I'm so grateful we adopted Rosemary before I left. I know I kept saying that we're too young to start a family, but your persistence has paid off. Knowing that I have a family back home that's willing to accept me with welcoming arms is so refreshing. It feels like everything I wanted as a child, I now finally have._

Schooling is going great! I'm getting some side training for medicine, which is really benfiting this whole thing. It's horrifying, though, to see some of the injuries. But, for once, I get to matter. I know I matter to you and Rosemary, but I mean on _a different level. It's hard here though but just imagine what happens when I'm done my schooling and back home!_

_I can give you and Rosemary the lives you guys deserve._

_Love,_

_your dear husband, Eddie Kaspbrak-Denbrough._

_P.S. I read your book. Did you base the love interest off of me? Cheesy. I love you."_

 

Bill smiled down at the letter, running his hand through his hair before sighing quietly. He dropped the letter down to his side. Picking up the last two letters, he stood up and kicked the small tin until it clattered onto its side. The letters surrounding it and inside were scattered across the floor, accompanied by his nearly empty bottle of alcohol and tissues that Bill didn't remember ever pulling out. His shoulders held a bit better, the slight buzz of the alcohol taking away some of the psychological weight on his shoulders.  He opened the first letter of the two, standing in the doorway of his bedroom. He leaned against the frame and raised his thumbnail to his mouth, gnawing on it as he started to read.

 

_"Dear William Denbrough,_

_Things are getting hard here. I don't know if I should even tell you that but it is. I think we're losing. I keep looking at the picture you sent me of you and Rose. She's grown up so much since I've last seen her. I miss her so much. I don't know if it's confirmed yet but I requested a leave of absence for her fifth birthday. She's going to be so big._

_I hope she remembers me._

_I miss you too, baby. Can you believe it's been two years since we've seen each other? Coming home for Christmas made it almost impossible to come back and I'm so sorry I had to leave you again. I promise we're almost done. Once I get my schooling done then I'll come back to you and Rosemary. We'll be together soon, I promise._

_You know I can't tell you much about what's going on and I'm sorry about that. Things are hard here. A lot harder than they thought. A lot of my time that's meant for studying is actually focused on helping the wounded and filing the paperwork for the deceased or the medically discharged. It's terrifying._

_I love you so much, baby. I'll call you when I get the chance - your voice always makes me feel better._

_Your Husband,_

_Eddie Kaspbrak-Denbrough."_

 

Bill tucked the letter into the back pocket of his jeans, not bothering to react to it. He remembered that Eddie had called a few days after Bill received the letter, his voice cold and unliek Eddie. Rosemary had cried after the phone call, saying she missed Papa and that didn't sound like him. Bill stared at the phone for an hour afterward, a fear that he couldn't identify burning in his chest. He staggered towards Rosemary's room and found her sleeping on the small twin sized bed, curled up in the blanket that Eddie had gotten custom-made for her birthday. She looked so peaceful compared to all the chaos that was currently occurring in their lives. 

Bill smiled softly at her, her wild curls reflecting the crazy ones that Bill had in his childhood. They had adopted her just a few six months after getting married, Bill working graveyard shifts at the local bar and Eddie working full-time at the library to compensate for a new member in their family.  They planned to adopt an infant but when they first met Rosemary, with a smile and red cheeks that only a two-year-old could muster, they had fallen in love. And thus, started the process to adopt her completely. 

Bill crawled into the bed with her, the envelope of the last letter still tight in his hand. He stared at his daughter for a few moments before rolling onto his back and opening the last letter. 

The last letter Eddie had ever, and will ever, write him.

 

_"Dear William Denbrough,_

_If you are ever reading this letter, I am so sorry. I wrote this on my first night here, preparing for a fate that I didn't want to accept could happen. Joining the military was both the best and worst decision I made. It gave me a new insight into life, changing my view of the world forever while taking me away from the people that mattered most to me. I was planning to stay here for the duration of my schooling, getting the on-the-field training while advancing my knowledge of medicine beyond what books and professors could ever teach me._

_If you are reading this, it means I have died.-"_  

 

When Bill had watched the dressed people walk up to his door through the window, he already knew what was going to be said. He took Rosemary into his arms and held onto her tightly. He answered the door and all life seemed to drain out of his world. Rosemary clutched onto his side tightly, her young mind seeming to grasp a concept of what was happening. He could barely breathe, the two soldiers reaching forward to make sure he didn't collapse. His entire world was knocked off its axis with no way of steadying it. 

 

" _I am so sorry. I hope you never have to see this. But, if you do, know this._

_You, William Zachary Denbrough, are the love of my life and into death. You have given me a life that any man would be lucky to witness even for just a day. My life was a dream when we met and it was a miracle when we got married. I don't regret that for a single second and I never have. I worried that you would, though. But, I would go the ends of the Earth for you. I know this letter may repeat the same things as all my old ones but I just need you to know._

_All the little moments that we've had made everything all worth it. Us slow-dancing the night before we officially brought Rosemary home after drinking grocery store wine with the radio in the background; You taking me out on a date at least once every two weeks just to show me how much you love me._

_I can't ever thank you. And know, that I will watch over you and Rosemary and protect you guys from everything that I can. I'll be waiting to see you, my love._

_Please don't come too soon._

_Love you forever and always,_

_Edward J. Kaspbrak."_

 

"I miss Papa, Dad." Bill lifted his head to see Rosemary staring at him with teary eyes, her bottom lip jutted out. Bill pulled her closer immediately, wrapping his arm around her as she pressed her face into his chest. He sighed quietly, staring at the letter that he held in his other hand before letting it fall to the ground. It floated to the ground beside Rosemary's bed, hitting the ground with an inaudible thud. 

"I do too, baby," he murmured into her hair as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I miss him, too." Bill pulled her closer and willed away the tears burning at the back of his eyes, And they didn't move until they both fell asleep, curled together with the same thought on their mind. The thought of Eddie Kaspbrak, a man they both loved and lost too soon.


End file.
